i feel bad about letting people i admire down even when they no longer care.

i don't know if this is making sense to anyone.

okay. for instance. last night i'm looking through old photos because i can't sleep. and so i see and think about this girl named sue whom i dated maybe two or three years ago. i did not know how much i would miss about her more awesome characteristics. such as the fact that she is super optimistic and energetic and hilarious and non-judgemental and easy to talk to and happy even though she has not been dealt the greatest of circumstances in her life.

and this is all beside the fact that she is amazingly beautiful. also, she is honest. i trusted her, which might be the most important thing.

incidentally, i rarely if ever tell a woman that she is beautiful because it feels corny, insincere, and like i'm trying to get a reaction. but i don't feel so corny about it when i am saying it to the internet, i guess. no, i kind of do feel corny still, now that i think about it. but it is true, anyway. she is beautiful.

that feeling--of knowing you could have been better to a person who deserved it--becomes much worse than being on the other side.